The best (and worst) marriageable NPCs in Skyrim

Skyrim first-timer rates the frosty region's finest spouses to get DovahKEEN on

In honour of the latest celebratory edition of Skyrim, I decided to go back and pay more attention to the little details of the game; the remastered design and visuals, the differences between each race, and all to answer the most important question, who should I marry?

There was criteria of course, in my latest quest for love, and I decided that I really had to do my research before yoinking an Amulet of Mara from Riften’s Priest and popped the big question. Characters were ranked according to three things: looks, functionality and how boring their scripted responses are. So, without further ado, here is your (somewhat) definitive guide to marriage in Skyrim.

(Disclaimer; there are over 20 possible characters that you can marry in Skyrim and as my word limit is 700 words, this article will only cover a handful of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes).

 

Onmund

Onmund

Kicking off with a blinder. Onmund is a terrible, terrible man. No points whatsoever. For some bizarre reason this subpar, dirty mage was always my go-to and I am very glad that I switched it up this time. He was terrible in a fight, unsurprisingly, considering he’s still enrolled in the College of Winterhold like a complete noob and has failed to graduate. Every ten seconds he would accidentally hit me with his lame novice sparks spell. Get some goddamned glasses Onmund. Would not recommend.

 Looks: 0/10

Functionality: 0/10

Responses: 0/10

 

Aela The Huntress

Wonderful. So much better than hairy mage men. For those that don’t know, players have to undergo a quest for their intended before they can get married. Most of them are small – for example, useless Onmund requires you to go find some necklace he can’t get for himself. Aela? She’s a woman that knows her worth. You have to do pretty much all of the quests for The Companions before she’ll even look at you. Every time I come home and she says “something has shifted in the moons sister,” I get shivers. I wifed her right up.

Looks: 10/10

Functionality: 10/10

Responses: 10/10

 

Moth Gro-Bagol

Now, this here is a fine hunk of orc. He’s a master smith that can be found working the forge in Markarth. This man is handsome, has life skills and you need to bring him a steaming Daedra heart before you can marry him. You literally have to give him your heart! A very good boy.

Looks: 10/10

Functionality: 7/10

Responses: 8/10

 

Jenassa

Honestly, I’m sure she’s a very nice lady, but I’m just not into it. She sits around in the tavern in Whiterun and waits to be hired as a mercenary – which by the way is a very dubious career – and I’m not sure I want my children around her. Plus, she has a very stern face and I personally do not find the whole teacher MILF shtick attractive. You have to hire her before you can marry her and those are very messy relationship dynamics. Her dialogue supports the whole praise/authority thing if that’s more your taste though! No shame here. And she does manspread like a pro. However, a long-established bug in the original Skyrim does mean Jenassa has a chance of jilting you immediately after your wedding, so if you want a low-maintenance spouse that will literally evaporate post-ceremony, you know where to look.

Looks: 7/10

Functionality: 9/10

Responses: 1/10

 

Farkas 

A dirty smelly man, no doubt about it, despite what a certain Overlode editor may think (Editor’s note, you’re wrong). Now, this is a man that can take care of you and your kids, but I guarantee he will never be at home. Out for all hours of the day, killing animals and drinking with his frat buddies. He’s also shaped very oddly and I find that off-putting. This is a fantasy game, no need to marry a stinky mediocre white man with anger issues when you can leave that to real life. All that said, he has a reasonably good personality and I’m sure once all the bear blood is wiped off, he’s probably decent looking.

 Looks: 8/10

Functionality: 10/10

Responses: 3/10

 

Lydia

Oh poor, sweet Lydia, there’s nothing behind those eyes is there, sweetie? That’s okay. I don’t know about you other players but my Lydia did nothing but die or sit in my bedroom staring intensely at a sweet roll. Now, she is a himbo (or whatever the female equivalent is) so I will give her points for her looks. But she was every bit as annoying as Onmund in a fight, constantly standing in the way of doorways and setting off traps. Good thing she was so hench otherwise she’d die immediately in every battle. She tries though, bless her little blood-stained cotton socks. 

Looks: 10/10

Functionality: 4/10

Responses: 6/10

 

Vilkas

This is the brother of Farkas and to be fair, he is much better, even if he is still smelly and uses dirt as a moisturiser. I mean, relatively good-looking for an animated white man, useful with his sword, and he has decent responses. But, I physically could not marry him. For some reason while I was playing on PC, he was bugged so badly that he would follow me around The Companions’ house thinking that I was talking to him; every five minutes whatever I was doing would be interrupted by his stupid little dialogue box! And he had the audacity to accuse me of interrupting him! Nah, I am not about that gaslighting so, he loses a significant amount of points. I don’t care, this is my list I can do what I want. 

Looks: 2/10

Functionality: 2/10

Responses: -10/10

 

So there you have it, the best and the worst that Skyrim has to offer. Now remember, divorce is not an option so you have to really do your research before you settle down. But, if things do get dire, murdering them is an option – I killed useless Onmund several times, although that was mostly just for fun. Happy proposing!

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